


Man vs. Author

by paranoid_delusional_valkyrie



Category: British Actor RPF, Crimson Peak (2015), Crimson Peak (2015) RPF
Genre: Attempted Murder, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crimson Peak, F/M, Ghosts, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 16:47:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4229376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoid_delusional_valkyrie/pseuds/paranoid_delusional_valkyrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when your character talks back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Man vs. Author

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this comic strip. 
> 
> http://www.incidentalcomics.com/2014/05/conflict-in-literature.html

_Thomas stood over Edith, a dull, rusty knife in his hand. He never wanted this to happen. He just wanted to marry her, revitalize his mining business, and have many passionate nights with his beautiful wife, but now that wasn't an option._  
  
_"Edith, why didn't you just mind your own business? Why did you have to snoop? I had plans for us! Magnificent, fruitful plans that would have made us rich beyond our wildest dreams! But you just couldn't shun the ghosts."_  
  
_"Thomas, your mansion was crawling with ghosts. How the hell did you expect me to shun them?!"_  
  
_"I've been shunning them since I was born!"_  
  
_"Thomas, you brought me to Crimson Peak as a sacrifice because the ghosts demanded it!"_  
  
_"I said shun, not ignore."_  
  
_"Thank God you're so pretty."_  
  
_"And what is that supposed to mean?"_  
  
_"Why don't you ask the ghosts, Thomas."_  
  
_"That's it, you lost your life privileges." He said as he raised the knife._  
  
_Edith just glared at him and waited for the blade to descend. Thomas still stood with the knife in his hand, but did nothing else. He looked as if he were having an internal struggle._  
  
_Thomas' expression continuously switched between determination and what appeared to be confusion mixed with shock. Edith continued laying on the floor waiting for the death strike, but she seemed somewhat confused herself._  
  
_This continued for another five minutes until the strangest thing happened._  
  
_Thomas finally realized he needed to kill his wife to move the plot along so Thomas can finally come to the crippling understanding that his life is one tragic, drama filled disaster that is the Victorian era and he must lead a life devoid of joy and sex because he wasn't strong enough to stick it to the ghosts who ruled his life and his family's lives that eventually led to the bloody deaths of his wife and sister because this is what the author **demands**. _  
  
_"Did it ever occur to the author that maybe that's not what the characters want?"_  
  
What did you just say?  
  
_"I wont kill Edith."_  
  
Excuse you, Sir Thomas Sharpe, but I am the author here and what I say goes.  
  
_"I'm the one holding the knife."_  
  
And I'm the one holding the pen, bro. Now descend that knife into Edith's cranium so you can start your long, torturous descent into depression and loneliness.  
  
_"…But why would you put us through that?"_  
  
Look, bro, it's nothing personal, I just like to make my characters suffer.  
  
_"That is rather cruel though."_  
  
Edith, don't you start.  
  
_"Why would you want to make your characters suffer?"_  
  
Why? Well…Don't you ever have an otp and love it with every fiber of your being, but also want to see what would happen if one of your otp got into a car crash and was in a coma for years on end while the other half of the otp had to sit by and look on helplessly.  
  
_"No, that sounds terrible!"_  
  
Oh shush, you guys are Victorian, you should be used to suffering.  
  
_"We're_ not _Victorian!"_  
  
Yes, you are!  
  
_"No_ we're _not!"_  
  
Thomas, you need to take a chill pill.  
  
"Stop calling me that! My name is Tom!"  
  
What?  
  
"My name is Thomas William Hiddleston and I am not Victorian, you fucking sadist!"  
  
Your name is Sir Thomas Sharpe and her name is Edith Cushing.  
  
"No, I am Tom Hiddleston and she is Mia Wasikowska."  
  
_"I am?"_  
  
Fuck, my characters are becoming self-aware.  
  
"We are not your characters. Our characters belong to Guillermo del Toro and Matthew Robbins. Now let's get to the point. Janice, why do you want your characters to suffer?"  
  
How the hell do you know my name?!  
  
"Focus, Janice, why do you want us to suffer?"  
  
…Well it just seems like the right thing to do.  
  
"The right thing to do?"  
  
Okay, okay, it feels like the popular thing to do.  
  
"Would you care to explain that in more detail?"  
  
Sure, well it seems like all of the really good stories have tragedy and drama. What with infidelity, divorce, death of children, and mental and physical abuse for starters. And those are just fine and incredibly enjoyable stories, but they just really bring me down, man. Also, do you know how hard it is to ignore those kinds of stories?  
  
"How hard?"  
  
Hella, bro. Like, I see the description and it sounds like something that's gonna hurt my psyche after reading it, but it's like my masochistic side comes out and demands that I read the incredibly well written story of drama and despair, but afterward I'm hurting and that story sticks with me forever and always brings me down again. No joke.  
  
So I try to combat those feels by writing crack stories, but then I once again go back to the well written dramatic stories, and get sad again.  
  
"Janice, may I ask you a question?"  
  
Do I have a choice anymore?  
  
"Do you really want your characters to suffer?"  
  
…No  
  
"And do you really want to see what will happen when one half of your otp is in a coma while the other stands by helplessly."  
  
Wha-- Of course I do! Who doesn't want to read about that? I love reading about sad, tragic stories because that is what I like to--  
  
* * * * * * * * ** *** *** ************************  
  
_"What is going on?"_  
  
"I think the author has started sobbing, Mia."  
  
_"Is that really my name?"_  
  
"Yes, and you're Australian."  
  
_"I am?!"_  
  
I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE MY CHARACTERS SUFFER! IT'S SO SAD! I just want my otps to find each other, be happy, have fantastic sex, watch some movies and eat food, have more sex, and adopt some cats. That's all I want.  
  
"Then write about that."  
  
B-But drama.  
  
"Do you want to write a story with drama and tragedy, Janice?"  
  
No, I want to write fluffy, silly stories.  
  
"Then pick up your pen and write the stories you want to read."  
  
…Thank you, Tom.  
  
"Of course, Janice. Now get yourself some ginger ale and write the story you want to write."  
  
_Edith just glared at him and waited for the blade to descend. Thomas still stood with the knife in his hand, immobile._  
  
_Just then Alan kicked open the door, a badass double-headed axe in hand._  
  
_"Sharpe, get the fuck away from Edith!" He demanded._  
  
_"You're next, McMichael!" He snarled as he plunged the knife down to Edith._  
  
_Suddenly, Edith rolled out of the way, flipping up her incredibly long, billowy dress to reveal a shotgun hidden beneath. She hoisted the gun with great precision, aimed it at Thomas' head, and said, "Yippy-ki-yay, motherfucker! Also the sex was amazing," and then proceeded to blow his brains out._  
  
_Sometime later, after the estate was settled and Edith inherited everything from Thomas including Crimson Peak which she had burned to the ground, she and Alan had a lot of_ _Victorian era bodice ripping, torrid sex that would not result in any children. And they lived happily ever after._  
  
"Nicely done, Janice."  
  
Thank you, Tom. Now to rewrite The Deep Blue Sea where Freddie is a vampire and Esther is a succubus who must kill him, but is soon seduced by the sexy vampire and is at the mercy of his magnificent penis.  
  
"Wait, what?"


End file.
